Vinka's Library of Mind

Here I am again, face to face with the same familiar enemy—my insecurities. They’ve been with me for so long, a shadow I’ve been trying to fight off for what feels like forever. Yet, despite their relentless whispers, I’ve kept going. So, let’s take a moment to celebrate, not for the battles I’ve lost, but for the quiet victories I’ve earned. My faith has grown, even in the face of failure. Too many times I’ve stumbled, fallen, and felt the weight of giving up pressing down on me. But here I stand, unbroken. I haven’t quit, and maybe, just maybe, that’s enough for today. Love and career—both seem dim, their paths not quite as bright as I’d hoped. Life keeps pushing me, forcing me to work hard again and again, as if testing my limits. But maybe that’s the reason I’ve grown strong enough to walk through the fiercest hurricanes. Each storm has shaped me, every gust of wind teaching me resilience. And though the skies may still be dark, I keep walking, knowing that strength isn’t just abou...

Oh, to tiny bug, the world seems so hard to live, Where winds are tempests, and raindrops unforgiving. And life, too, hands you its coldest sting— A footstep looms, and you’re brushed away. The path you build is crumbled, erased, Your fragile dreams left cruelly displaced. You’re turned from the flower, swept off the ground, A journey of seeking, where refuge’s not found. Yet on you crawl, with legs so frail, Through grassy jungles and dusty trails. You bear rejection, relentless and stark. Oh, little bug, your struggle seems grand, To carry your world in a grain of sand. -vic

Since I've noticed a lot of Murakami haters popping up on social media lately, and many people seem to be jumping on the bandwagon of hating him without even reading his books, as a fan of Murakami, here’s my take on my favorite author. Some say, “Haruki Murakami might be the type of author you either love or hate—there’s no in between,” and I happen to be someone who really loves Haruki Murakami’s work ((obviously)). Despite all the criticism and hate that portrays him as misogynist or sexist, personally, reading Murakami has opened my perspective on the complexity of the human mind and emotions. I’ve always admired how Murakami conveys complex feelings, but with simple language. I also appreciate the depth of character development in his works, even if some people find it long-winded. But I enjoy that. I really do love his writing style! I also love Murakami’s unusual, surreal imagination. I think his writing offers a lot of insights into various issues. Plus, I’ve discovered man...

Today was meant to be my happiest day of the year. I woke this morning with a weight in my chest, as if a part of me was slipping away—a part that held me upright. But today, it longs to drift with the breeze of fate, leaving me fragile. I lingered in bed, unmoving for what felt like ages, as I struggled to grasp a surrender that seemed so hard to reach. And so, I remained there, suspended between what was and what is yet to come, waiting for peace to find me. October has always been my time to let go—to embrace the purity of my deepest sincerity, to acknowledge that as a fragile soul, I can only plan. To accept, as a finite being, that not all desires align with reality. To release; to surrender. Such is life. A part of us departs, only to be replaced by another. I realized that perhaps happiness doesn't always come as expected. It slips through in quiet moments of acceptance, in the soft release of what no longer serves us. As one part of me fades with the wind, another is ready ...

Untuk menghalau semua kegilaan dan perasaan ingin menyakiti diri sendiri, maka dari itu aku menulis. Scribo Ergo Sum. Aku menulis, maka aku ada. (i) Pagi yang cukup tenang, namun rupanya di dalam sangat gempar. Segala terpaan sana-sini mendadak mengacau-balaukan kepingan kewarasan yang susah payah aku kumpulkan kemarin. Sumber gempa sangat dekat sekali. Aku ingin menghindar tapi berkali ditarik medan magnet luar biasa. Katanya hakikat manusia itu bebas. Dari sini, aku mencoba mendefinisikan ulang esensi kebebasan. Dengan tangan yang diborgol, kaki satu yang diikat, tak akan ku biarkan mereka membelenggu pikiranku. Ah, tapi demikian, secepat kilat ambisiku dicurinya. Sial. (ii) Aku lelah dengan tekanan terus menerus ke pusat jantung. Rasanya batinku sakit tak karuan. Mereka tidak bisa mengerti rasanya. Kemana lagi aku harus mengadu? Kemudian datang terang, lebih cepat dari woosh! Aku bergerak tak menentu. Sejak awal aku tak tahu ke mana langkah kakiku akan melaju. Semua dalam diriku ter...

  Gusar sehabis gempa belum juga mereda, sudah tertimpa tangga lagi. Seluruhku sudah hampir habis digerogoti musim, tidak tahu akan beregenerasi cepat atau lambat. Hanya mampu berjalan terseok lemah pada bentangan rute yang sudah dituliskan, pelan dan tak pasti.  Aku sudah lama berkorban, tapi mungkin pengorbananku belum dianggap purna. Karena rupa keikhlasan sejati belum utuh kupahami. Nyatanya berat sekali membagi tanpa tapi, aku masih harus remedial lagi. Percaya pada sesuatu yang abstrak dan tanpa rupa itu sulit sekali. Aku harus menghapus mindset transaksional bagi-membagi. Memangkas semua ambisi dan egoisme diri. Meluaskan lagi definisi ‘cukup’ dan ‘berbesar hati’. Meski nyaris runtuh, tapi pundakku tak boleh menyentuh tanah; setidaknya itu yang harus ku perlihatkan pada mata-mata yang menaruh harap. Tapi sekali ini saja, izinkan aku meloloskan air mata yang tak terbendung sejadi-jadinya dalam hening tengah hari. Kiranya semesta memaklumi.  -vic